


Dies iræ, dies illa

by ridkey



Category: Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Horror, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Major character death - Freeform, Revenge, Suicide, lack of grief, replaces accepting anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-24 17:57:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14360646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ridkey/pseuds/ridkey
Summary: “Day of wrath and doom impending”  - Music for the Requiem MassAnxiety is gone. It’s a cause for celebration, the end of that villain, right? So then why aren’t things going the way they should be?Replaces Accepting Anxiety and proceeds from that point on





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Suicide, mild body horror
> 
> This ain't a happy fic, folks. Read at your own discretion.

Thomas was asleep.

Everyone was asleep.

No one was here.

The time was perfect.

He didn't leave a note. There was no need for one. There wasn't anyone who would read it. Even if there was, there was no place to put it. He'd been barred from the common rooms that the three sides lived in.

And soon, his part of the mind would be gone, just like him.

Reintegration didn't hurt. It wasn't like dying in a human body. You didn't bleed, choke, your body struggling against your mind to live. He wouldn't struggle against it. 

It was time to go. 

He was holding Thomas back. His attempts to protect his host led only to pain and missed opportunities. The other sides didn't like him. Roman never failed to show his hate. Logan tolerated him at best. Patton was kind, but even he clearly would rather have someone else around but him. And Thomas himself? 

Well… that was clear enough.

He had one purpose in life: to protect and defend. Both of those he'd failed at. So there was no reason for him to exist anymore. He could've stayed if he'd been good at it, even if the others hated him.

He'd done his best. That was the only comfort he had. He'd tried. He'd tried.

And while he had a lot of regrets, the one thing that topped the list was… he would never get to say goodbye to the one person that pretended to care about him. He'd lost that person, too. And maybe that final fight had been the beginning of the end.

… but then again, that person wouldn't miss him either.

As the last notes of Vampire Money faded out, he sighed. He'd listened to My Chemical Romance’s discography three times through. If he'd been human, he would've said he'd miss that when he was dead. But he wasn't going to be dead. His personality would be gone, and his memories and his room, but his essence would remain. He was part of Thomas. Just not an important one.

He put on Sing, his swan song, and closed his eyes.

The unconscious, where all traits came from, was a yawning void. An ocean without end. The waves of power washed over him. 

His room was washed away.

His clothes.

His fingers.

His toes.

His limbs.

The music was long gone but it still played in his head.

Waves crashed over his body and he faded into them. A last breath left his parted lips as the bed was swept from under him. For a moment he floated on the surface of the unconscious, but then he began to sink.

Memories crumbled. Favorites disappeared. Love died.

Virgil ended.


	2. For thy parting neither say nor sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually a bit reluctant to post this, because it runs so contrary to what people are expecting. All I'm going to say is: remember that the prologue happens instead of Accepting Anxiety, so all thoughts and feelings about Virgil come from that time period.
> 
> Please stay safe and don't read this if you are suicidal or are at risk of suicidal thoughts, just in case.

It was Christmas.

And what a happy Christmas it was. Thomas celebrated the holidays away from his family, but surrounded by friends. Patton made a wonderful dinner, turkey and cranberry sauce and green bean casserole and cornbread and eggnog for everyone. Logan read Christmas poetry and set up Patton’s train all over the common room. Roman conjured up a splendid fire and holiday sweaters for all three of them.

Everything was wonderful.

With soft instrumental music playing in the background, the three relaxed on the blankets spread out on the floor, drinks in hand. Patton’s eyes were closed, a dreamy smile on his face. Roman leaned against the seat of the couch, eyes on the fire. Even Logan seemed relaxed, cupping his drink as he listened to the music.

“What a beautiful Christmas it's been.” Roman said.

“Yknow, I was sure that it'd be lonely, not spending time with the family,” Patton said. “but this has been really nice!” 

“It's certainly been peaceful,” Logan said. “Much less stressful than previous years.” 

“And best of all,” Roman said, “Not a single drop of anxiety!” He laughed lightly. “I was worried that Grinch would ruin everything.”

Patton’s smile disappeared. Logan frowned at Roman. Roman's smile slowly faded as the awkwardness settled in.

“You know…” Patton rubbed his cup. “Don't you think he's… lonely?”

“Lonely?” Roman snorted. “He can't be lonely. He'd have to like people to feel like that.” 

“It is strange that he hasn't attempted to enter,” Logan rubbed his chin. “Typically he knocks during holidays.”

“Good that he hasn't!” Roman swung his arm. “He's finally learning.” 

“We should invite him in!” Patton said.

“What - no!” Roman said. “We can't do that! He'll ruin Christmas!” 

“We can't keep him out in the cold!” Patton said. “It's Christmas. It's time for family - And he may be a gloomy goober, but he's still one of us.” 

“It's possible that he doesn't want to participate,” Logan said. “He hasn't appeared to us in the videos or in private.” 

“See?” Roman said. “He's probably hanging out with those other guys, having his own Christmas. He doesn't need us, and we don't need him.” 

“But come on!” Patton said. “We have to at least offer.” 

“But-” Roman started.

“It might offer him a sense of goodwill that might improve his behavior,” Logan said.

“But, but he'll…” Roman groaned and threw up his empty hand. “Fine, fine!” He raised his voice, calling out to the stairs. “Anxiety!”

The stairs remained empty. Roman scowled and thrust his hand up to summon the other.

“Anxiety!” 

Roman blinked, jerking his hand up again. And again. “How dare he-?”

“Anxiety,” Logan called. “Would you like to join us for Christmas?” 

No response. Patton frowned.

“Hey kiddo! Come on out!” 

Nothing.

“Come on and show everyone your cool makeup!” 

Silence.

“Well, that settles that,” Roman said. “He's clearly busy. Why don't we give him some space and forget we ever tried this?” 

“But there's no one for him to be busy with!” Patton said. “He doesn't have any friends but us, right?” 

Roman cringed at the word “friends". Logan bit his lip.

“Patton, there are many words I can use to describe our relationship with Anxiety,” Logan said, “But friends is not one of them.”

Patton looked between Logan and Roman. “But…”

Roman huffed. “Listen, if you really want to hear him complain and nag for the rest of the day, I’ll go to his room and drag him out here.”

Patton’s face lit up. “You will?”

“Aw, Padre,” Roman shifted, and stood up. “I’ll do whatever makes you happy.” Smiling down at Patton, Roman focused his mind on Anxiety’s room, preparing himself to sink into whatever chaos awaited him there.

But there was nothing to sink into. Roman paused, frowning.

“I…” he tried again. Nothing. He looked between Logan and Patton. “I can’t reach it.”

“Has he barred it?” Logan set down his mug and stood up.

“That’s not like him,” Patton said. “His room is never barred! It’s always there!”

“Logan, can you…?” Roman started, but Logan’s eyebrows were furrowed with focus.

“There’s nothing there,” Logan said at last. “Anxiety’s room is gone.”

“Gone?” Patton shot to his feet. “But if his room is gone then, that means…”

Their eyes, almost as one, turned towards the stairs, where no one stood. Where no one would ever stand again.

Roman let out a whoop and a cheer, spinning around in his spot.

“He’s gone!” Roman shouted. “He’s been reintegrated!”

“Roman, watch where you step,” Logan said. “Your drink-”

“Don’t you understand?” Roman looked at Logan, eyes lit up. “If Anxiety is gone, that means Thomas’ fear is lessening. There is no one else here to hold his dreams back! Oh, merry Christmas to us!”

He rushed towards Logan. Logan raised his hands in warning but there was nothing he could do. Roman swept Logan into a tight hug, lifting the logical side off the floor and swinging him from side to side. 

“Roman!” Logan shouted. “Put me down! This is serious!”

Roman huffed but relented, freeing Logan from his grasp. Logan adjusted his shirt and tie, taking a step away from Roman.

“Anxiety being reintegrated by Thomas’s mind does not mean that his natural anxiety is improving or disappearing,” Logan said. “It simply means that it was no longer necessary for there to be a side dedicated to it. Thomas can now, for whatever reason, function without that aspect of his personality being conscious.”

“But still!” Roman said. “No more Anxiety. No more dealing with his mopey face, his cynical beliefs, his depressed attitude. He’s gone, Logan. We’re free.”

Logan opened his mouth, but closed it. He sighed. “Logically, Anxiety’s disappearance will likely cause no harm in the long run. While I am disappointed it turned out this way, as Anxiety seemed to be making progress, I cannot say that Thomas’s mind will suffer due to his absence.”

“Do you think it hurt?”

Patton was on the floor, staring out at nothing. His eyes were hollow and absent of tears. Grief hadn’t set in yet, if it ever would. 

“Being reintegrated,” Patton repeated, and his voice was empty. “Do you think it hurt?”

The other two sides looked at each other. Roman rushed to kneel by Patton’s side.

“No, no, Padre!” Roman said, taking Morality’s hand. “I’m sure it didn’t hurt at all.”

“That’s right,” Logan said, voice intentionally soft and comforting. He stepped over to sit by Patton’s other side. “Reintegration into the mind is painless, and always happens during sleep. He didn’t feel a thing.”

“It’s like putting down a beloved pet,” Roman said. “Yes, it hurts to lose them, but it needs to be done. Now we can all relax and move on, in peace.” He squeezed Morality’s hand. “Together.”

“He laughed at my jokes,” Patton didn’t look at either of them. “He was always so cute, sitting there by himself on the stairs.” He sniffed. “Remember when I changed him into Tayln? Wasn’t he adorable?”

“It was hard not to like him in that form,” Roman said with a chuckle.

“His debate with me was… stimulating.” Logan shifted in his spot. “Even though he was a reluctant participant, he did a remarkable job and was a good opponent.” He shook his head. “I’d hoped we could do it again, but he somehow became even more distant as the months went on.”

“I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised,” Roman said. “He was fading, even then.”

A sob ripped from Patton’s throat. “I didn’t know. He was leaving us, and I didn’t know.” He covered his face with his hands, and now, the tears came. Roman wrapped an arm around the fatherly side’s shoulders. Logan bit his lip, and took Patton’s hand. 

They sat there for a long while, as Patton’s shoulders shook with unhidden sobs. But all tears end eventually, and with a strong sniff, Patton raised his head.

“It didn't hurt,” he said.

“It didn't hurt.” Logan repeated.

“And he lives on in us,” Roman said.

“And in Thomas's unconscious mind.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “Speaking of Thomas, if he chooses to, he can bring Anxiety back. There is nothing stopping him from doing so.”

“But would that be a good idea?” Roman said. “I mean, he's been fine this whole time without Anxiety around. Surely, the wise thing would be to let the past stay in the past.”

“Well, that isn't for us to decide, is it?” Logan said.

Patton pulled out of Roman's arms. “I'm going to make some cookies! It's not Christmas without nice, soft gingerbread cookies.”

Roman smiled. “That sounds lovely, Patton!” 

“Yes,” Logan said at last. “Although I myself prefer sugar cookies.”

“You, have a sweet tooth!” Roman held his chest as Patton wandered away. “I never would've thought.”

As the two talked, they didn't notice as Patton changed the music. The moral side hummed along to the Coventry Carol as he headed into the kitchen, ready to bake and eat his feelings away.

  
  
  


Two days later, Thomas listened to Logan's explanation, the blood rushing from his face.

“So, Anxiety is… dead?” 

“No.” Logan said. “We are not capable of death as in those you know. We do not stop functioning, we simply fade away, breaking down into pieces, and reintegrate with your unconscious.”

That wasn't any comfort. “But he's… still gone, right? He's - He's gone. And he's not coming back.”

“Well, that's not quite true,” Roman said, gesturing with his hands. “You see, you have complete control over everything in your mind. If you want to bring Anxiety back, you can! But-” he held up his hands. “We understand completely if you choose not to bring him back. After all,” Roman laughed a bit, “he was quite the ‘personality’.”

“I am gonna miss that snarky kiddo,” Patton said. “But you have to do the right thing. Not just for yourself, but for Anxiety, too.”

“What do you mean?” Thomas said.

“I mean, if he's gone, that means he's served his purpose. He's lived his life as best he can. Would bringing him back just to satisfy your own wants be the right thing to do?”

“I… that makes sense, Patton.” Thomas said. He shook his head. “I - I don't know. I need to think about it,” he was lying, and not just to them. “Can we… talk about this later? Maybe as part of a video?” He sighed. “I don't know how people are gonna take this… Anxiety was so popular…”

“Well the viewers didn't have to live with him, lemme tell ya,” Roman said.

“It's okay if you need to think about it,” Patton said. “No matter what decision you make, we understand.”

“That's right,” Logan nodded. “Well, this was a highly emotionally charged meeting for you, so I suppose we should take our leave. Patton, Roman, I will see you later, I have some reading to do.”

“See ya round,” Roman waved him away. “As for me, I need to warm up my vocal chords. I interrupted my daily exercise for this.” He sank into the floor.

“Kiddo,” Patton looked at Thomas, and his smile faded away. “You know… it's okay if you don't want to bring him back.”

Thomas flinched. Patton continued. “We can all feel it. You don't want him around anymore.” The fatherly side sniffed. “And that hurts. I can't lie, it hurts. He was one of us. But you're in control. You know what's best for you. And if that means not bringing him back, I'm okay with it.”

He let out a sigh, and a weight lifted of Thomas’s chest. “Thanks Patton.”

“You're welcome, kiddo.” Patton resettled himself. “I think I'm gonna do some baking. Just gimme a call if you need to see your dear old dad!” 

“Yeah, got it,” Thomas waved him off. He wiped a hand over his face, and headed for his laptop. He'd have to come up with a good reason for why Anxiety wasn't coming back… because he wasn't.

  
  
  


Beyond the Sides’ safe home, the ocean of the unconscious lapped at Thomas's conscious mind. It churned and crashed as if stirred by an endless storm, and the white foam lay upon the beach like tears on a pale face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the Coventry Carol, a traditional Christmas song dating back to medieval pageants that told the story of Christ's birth. The Coventry Carol is from the pov of the mothers of Bethlehem, who's children are murdered at the order of King Herod. And you thought 'I'll be home for Christmas' was sad.


End file.
